My journey from a bad childhood, through an aggressive youth, an overconfident/unhappy young adulthood to a burnt-out adult, knowledgeable and often times overwhelmed.
I have always wanted to succeed, be a good girl and deserve my place. My strategies for achieving all of this have been somewhat out of touch with how relationships really work due to my early years.
I was made responsible early on for what my father felt. I'm not sure if he ever understood what it means to be a child. He described with words, facial expressions and slaps to the face that I lacked value, that I was flawed as a person and that I destroyed and hurt him with how I behaved. That makes for strange learning.
I decided early on to be "perfect" so that he wouldn't get angry and of course it didn't work because life is unpredictable and I had no influence over how he dealt with the trauma from his childhood. He didn't know any better and didn't get help to deal with his trauma, so it became my responsibility, which I took on whole heartedly.
In addition, my mother was so unable to take the emotional adult role in relation to what my father did that she instead allied herself with my sister and me and created a secret club for mutual moral support "between us girls". It's called parentification: In psychology, "parentification" describes a situation where the distribution of roles between child and parent is reversed, so that the child becomes "the adult" in the relationship. It can be about practical tasks - the child cooks, cleans the bathroom, calls the plumber - or emotional: the adult leans on the child as if it were a friend, a sibling, or, yes, a parent. The result is that the child is robbed of their childhood. https://klassekampen.no/utgave/2016-11 11/parentification
She was unable to have an adult connection with my father, so she attached herself to her children and was actually often upset that we betrayed her trust again and again. We had, in her mind, made a valid agreement!
In practical terms there were no emotionally mature people in our home. What did I do? I tried to figure out and solve everything. Of course, it was completely impossible, and in the absence of safe guidance, it seemed like a good idea. Others probably experienced me (and probably still do) as an arrogant know-it-all.
My father was called in to see the local doctor when I was in kindergarten. There were some concerns about my development. I would sit under a table and not play with the other children. Attachment difficulties. Dad got angry and stormed out of the doctor's office.
Mum has told me that when I was about three years old I stopped connectin with the family. I could sit in the living room and play with my toys, but I didn't want to play with the people in the room. To this day, I have trouble "playing" with others. I take either a superior or an inferior role and am terrified of letting people in.
For as long as I can remember, I have wondered how to make life work. I have slowly but surely acquired and developed knowledge, understanding and experience in meeting myself and others on a scale from "Just think positively." and "If you just do it like that, everything will be better." to "This is a completely natural feeling and it's okay that you feel it now."
In a way, I am infinitely proud of my journey. I have not given up until I have found methods, approaches, tools and knowledge that have created lasting change in my life and those I have helped. In addition, I have done it from inside a dark basement with only an idea of what light is. Terrified of input, because input is perceived as control and thus dangerous, I have fought against myself more than anything else. Because every time I am in a situation where I can be criticized, I criticize myself. Maybe even more than what dad did because I got to be thorough right? It probably made my journey slower than it needed to be. I haven't found anyone who really understood how safe I need to feel to open up. Because of that, I have become a safe person to open up to both for myself and others.
I have asked for help a ton of times. At least six psychologists, several therapists, friends, mom and dad, they've all listened to me for hours. The first psychologist I saw was before I started school. I remember thinking he was stupid. I particularly remember a psychologist who told me: I don't know if I can help you with anything, you already understand yourself so well. I think it describes much of the help available accurately. Traditionally we rely on changing the understanding and expecting it to help. Cognitive therapy. But even though it's nice to understand, it hasn't brought significant healing and relief for me.
I've probably always been in love with my intellect. It has been my golden card that I could play to have worth. It's almost a little strange that I've been willing to experience that my intellect is unable to heal any of my emotional pains.
The first tool that made real sense to me, probably because of the intellect, is The Work by Byron Katie. I understood the principle, the basic rules and followed the recipe to the letter. The most important thing I learned from The Work was not to believe everything I think. Just because my brain says it doesn't mean it's true. The second most important thing was to be a little kinder to myself. I discovered how strict I am with myself and how often (actually always) I do the best I can and that all the pain I carry and all the lies I believe is what make me not achieve everything I want. It is not me who is difficult, I am having a difficult time. The two things have given both perspective and peace in my life.
The first time I can remember working with emotions from the perspective of the body was via a work colleague in the late 1990s. The process is called Balancing and is based on communication between me and the feeling I feel. It's amazing how liberating it is to communicate with your feelings. I didn't realize it then, because I was so concerned with finding something that solved "everything at once", but that was the start of my most important journey. The movement from understanding, analyzing and thinking (correctly?) to listening to what is speaking in the body has made it possible for me to fully feel emotions I have stored in my body because it was not safe/okay to feel them at the time they occured.
If we fast forward to the end of 2021, I was introduced to nervous system regulation and the knowledge that all emotions that are not felt are stored in the body and what this costs the body. It doesn't matter if the feeling is big or small, it will be stored if it is not felt. Another important thing I learned about was capacity. If I don't have the capacity to feel the emotion, either because it's not safe or because it's too big for me then and there, then I get overwhelmed and I go into survival mode which I've experienced feels like re-traumatization. I learned to orient, which made me feel safe for the first time in many years, and the effect lasted and is possible to reproduce. This knowledge gave me energy to do everyday things like dishes, laundry and maybe even a bit of vacuuming. I could walk across our yard without feeling a drain of energy. I could go for a walk and feel that it gave me a lift. I started practicing conscious movements and can both pay more attention to the body and get more movement out of it. Life looked brighter, this was going to be nice.
I have to teach this, I thought. And I do that both in the membership, on my Facebook page and in individual sessions. The intellect keeps its end of the bargain and the knowledge is available when I need it. In addition, I listen with my whole body and can ask questions and give input that creates both understanding and an experience of healing and relief. Sunshine all around. It is simply meaningful and good work.
But am I happy? Both yes and no. The concept of happiness has changed a lot for me. When I walk across the yard and breathe fresh air into my lungs, I feel a sense of happiness. When my husband asks if I want to walk the dog and I feel that my body says yes, I feel a joy that I am functioning. I have regained my energy and many of my triggers are gone, there is no charge there anymore.
Then why do I say no too? Well, because I think life is difficult. It is still difficult to "play with the other children", I have many triggers left and life keeps throwing me curveballs. There is a lot to deal with and I keep getting overwhelmed and forget to give directions. There are still quite a few wounds left from childhood that have not been healed. I'm working on it, and my head thinks it's slow and that I'm a fraud who teaches nervous system regulation when it doesn't make me happy and satisfied all the time. I somehow forget that life is not easy for anyone and that I am not actually responsible for how everyone is feeling.
So I'm not completely done, I don't always have it easy, and at the same time I find so much meaning and joy in guiding people to the experience: "The feeling became much calmer." and "The lump in my stomach is completely gone and I feel safe in myself." And there is no doubt that the world needs to learn how the nervous system regulates emotions and that it is much more effective to feel the emotions than to put them under a lid until the pressure becomes so great that we either explode or implode. Bodies are made to withstand short-term stress, and we live in a society where many people experience a lot of long-term stress and painful emotions.
Now you know a little more about who I am and how I feel these days. Are you carrying a heavy load too? If you are curious about nervous system regulation and the knowledge about how the emotions sit in the body and how we can release them, just get in touch at kontoret@terapi-for-deg.com
Will you join us on the road? The world needs us to feel better and be stronger <3